Love your neighbor as yourself. No matter what your religious beliefs are, most people will agree that this is a pretty good way to live. It’s a mantra that I’ve tried to follow since childhood. But it hasn’t been easy. And not for the reason you might think.
As with everyone, my upbringing was not without challenges, but for the most part it was pleasant. As an only child to a single mother, I spent a lot of time with adult family members. And if there was one thing my family excelled at, it was altruism. Almost everyone in my family lived by a mantra that you should always do things for others. They expected the same in return and were hurt when it was not received, but always suffered silently. It was a very giving, non-confrontational environment.
As a result of that, and my natural tendencies, I was very good at loving people. I always saw the best in people, saw potential even they didn’t know they had. And I always wanted them to have the best of everything. The problem was, very few people seemed to want the same for me. Myself included.
Somewhere in all the life lessons, I missed the one that showed me I was worthy of love. Without receiving the type of love I was giving out, I came to believe that I must not be worthy of such love. While I saw only the assets in others, I saw only the flaws in myself. This not only led to a self destructive life, it also prohibited me from doing the one thing I thought I was really good at - loving others.
Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. Just getting one part down isn’t enough. Loving yourself without loving others is narcissism, but loving others without loving yourself is idolatry. If we can’t see and accept that we are complex beings, with lovable and unlovable qualities, what happens when the same unlovable qualities appear in others? Either we live as hypocrites and forgive others for doing things that may be far worse than we do to ourselves, or we withdraw our love, and become even more alone and broken due to isolation.
Sadly, there is no magical cure that can make us love ourselves. But know that you deserve love, even if you don’t feel worthy of it at the moment. It’s still a constant struggle, but the days I realize I’m truly awesome are the days I have the energy to make others feel truly awesome. So go find something about yourself that’s lovable. Once you learn to love that thing, find something else. Soon you’ll realize you’ll never be perfect, but you are worthy.